If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
