I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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