i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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