can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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