I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Still dying that you shit outside
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
