ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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