I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize