she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
