Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
