Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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