I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
