Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
