I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
