whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
