I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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