Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
