I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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