you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
