Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
