I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
