the day after is always just damage control
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
