that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
