I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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