hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
