6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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