jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize