Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize