remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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