that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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