The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
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