that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
