why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize