We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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