No stitches, just platelets and will power
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I touched a dick in church today
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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