worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
this hospital has no fireball
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
