then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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