dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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