The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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