Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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