i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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