dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
