Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
