also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
