When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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