i would punch a child for taco bell
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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