My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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