two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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