man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
