I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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