I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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