you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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