I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
