I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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