So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
