Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
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