Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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