if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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