i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
