WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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