Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
