R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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