Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
